jedward
Y'know a lot of bad things have happened to me recently. I had all my money stolen, my job seekers allowance disallowed and lost the job I was supposed to be doing over Christmas and my laptops broken. But nothings effected me quite as badly as Jedward being thrown out of X-factor. I found out about it the same way I found out Michael Jackson had died, someone posting their condolences on my facebook page. When I watched their tyrannical rejection from the series, images of all the remaining contestants and Daani Minogue nailed to burning crucifixes passed through my mind .and Cheryl Cole flayed with her hair sold off for petty cash. The prospect of not seeing a new Jedward performance every week was akin to someone dying. I saw myself cradling this strange but alluring blonde quiffed siamese twin in my arms as it took its final breaths. Then I ran into the bathroom and was violently sick into the sink. When I looked up I saw Simon Cowell's face instead of mine in the mirror and smashed my head into it so hard that pieces of glass shattered everywhere and blood poured down my face.
I watched my reflection in the broken mirror slicking my hair back with blood to make a Jedward quiff. I then grabbed a shard of mirror and jabbed it straight into my arm and began to carve the word Jedward into my blood and sick smattered flesh. I slashed my face a bit too but even that wasn't enough. Unlike other suicide attempts I didn't need to down a bottle of vodka because the pain was just so raw I was able to slash both wrists fully conscious. My vision began to blur as I watched the blood gushing out and merging with the sink full of puke and broken glass. As I passed into unconsciousness I saw hell, it was like a Danni Minogue video and the dancers were Hitler, Chairman Mao and Timothy McVeigh. At the centre there was an upside down crucifix covered in shit and wasps waiting for Minogue herself. Then I began to head towards a bright light as I floated towards it I saw memories of all the previous Jedward performances, The time they sang 'she bangs', Diva week when they sang 'opps I did it again' and the Halloween performance of 'we will rock you'.
When I got to heaven Michael was waiting at the gates for me, standing next to him was no other then Madeline McCann . 'We've been waiting for you' giggled Michael Jackson as he grabbed my hand and as we skipped through the pearly gates we were swarmed by famous dead children: Damilola, Jamie Bulger, Holly and Jessica they were all there even baby P crawling around on a cloud. Then at last Michael pointed to a huge stage were I saw my muse Jedward standing alongside other cute dead guys all dressed in PVC catsuists: River Phoenix, Jeffrey Dhamer and the young Leonardo Di Caprio. Freddie Mercury was on Piano and Jimmy Hendrix was on guitar, John Lenon was on bass and Boadicea was on the drums.
'Are Jedward going to do a performance?' I asked Michael
'No silly, they're just backing dancers'
'Wow, are you going to do a performance?' I said looking at Michael's gleeful face.
'No silly, now get up there' he laughed then added 'Don't be bad'
So with disbelief I mounted the stage, in tears of joy I stood in front of Jedward ready to perform my lastest rap release as Sarah Payne and John Wayne Gacey screamed from the crowd below for me to begin.
Then I suddenly felt a huge electric jolt through my chest and awoke in a grimy hospital ward to the dirty stench of insanity. My tongue had been clamped and my arms and legs bound to the bed. I could see a huge gaping wound on my wrist, which from the taste of blood in my mouth I must have been tearing at with my teeth. As a tall grissly nurse leared over me with two rusty electro pads I looked around the room and saw other male Jedward fans in their 20's all in the same state as me. Some with the twins names carved into their faces other with limbs simply hacked off, all with Jedward quiffs. At the moment I'm using the hospital computer, and you know it isn't that bad hear being surrounded by deranged bloodied Jedward lookalikes infacts its damn sexy. And I'm glad I'm not allowed outside, I hate the British public, why do they want to watch boring middle of the range singers drivviling out insincere trite when they could be watching Jedward. If they can't even vote property on a reality tv show how the hell do you expect them to vote in a general election
Ash Wednesday? Yeah, I lied. That's my favorite Christian holiday, but a much, much more important holiday is in our midst: The Eurovision Song Contest!!! Well, it's a holiday in my heart, at least. For those of you who don't know what Eurovision is, DON'T WORRY! Come May I will be talking about it incessantly, complete with excellent recaps of years past. Until then, I'm trying not to think about how awesome it's going to be because it's still a month and a half away, but I did slip up and Wikipedia this year's contest the other day. And what did I find out? Ireland's bid to the contest this year is Jedward.
Now if you don't live in Ireland or the UK, you might be thinking, "Why would Ireland be sending a Twilight-themed musical ensemble to Eurovision?" And indeed, that's what I thought when I first saw it. And then I remembered an encounter I had a few months ago, when my cousin J-A was last stateside and had brought some trashy magazine for us to enjoy:
A: Ooooooo I get a free Jedward poster with my magazine! Wait where's my free Jedward poster?
J-A: Oh I think I left it in Ireland. Do you lot have Jedward here?
A: No, who are they? Some sort of Twilight tribute band?
J-A: No, they're two brothers who sing.
A: Oh so they're like the Irish Jonas Brothers.
And that's where my knowledge of Jedward ended. Until the other day when I clicked that Wikipedia link, and discovered that the second sentence of their entry began, "The twins, known for their blonde quiffs," at which point I immediately stopped reading and went to google. If I had had that free poster of Jedward, I would have know that they were not, in fact, like the Irish Jonas Brothers, but rather like the bastard offspring of the Jonas Brothers and Vanilla Ice:
Cheeky Irish 'singing sensation' twins Jedward have just been in the news again, as having (unsucessfully) represented Ireland at the recent Eurovision Song Contest in Germany.
They are very annoying, but vaguely amusing, teenagers, who have always found it surprisingly difficult to hit a correct musical note... but why let that get in the way of success!
In case you're not aware, their name comes from combining the J from John, with Edward (their given names)... Thank goodness their parents didn't name them Peter and Rick.
I have a feeling that these boys will go far; probably in the realm of comedy related TV. Not in singing!!
Since these two Irish lads burst on to the scene from the X-Factor back in 2009 there has been a media frenzy surrounding them. Whether you like them or not they get a lot of publicity. Mostly bad because of their 'lack of raw talent' but some praise especially from younger people due to the twins' happy-go-lucky wild personas. They have grown in popularity since leaving the X-Factor behind. They've recorded a number one album, appeared on different TV commercials and most recently represented Ireland in the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest finishing in a respectable 8th place going by recent Eurovision standards.
The question is... are they actually as silly as they portray themselves to be for the media?
Here's what I think.
These guys are just two well educated boys from Dublin, taking every chance of stardom they can get and grasping the limelight whilst they do it. They don't care whether they get good or bad publicity because any publicity is publicity at the end of the day. These guys know that some people will dislike them and that some people will love to hate them. One thing's for sure they're really popular among young teens and kids because of their rebellious and hyper antics.
Initially I'll be honest, I hated these two but over time I've begun to realize that they're brilliant at playing the media for fools and making lots of money while their at it. People all around the world want to see and meet these guys. They've become a sort of national treasure.
With that I've come to the conclusion that Jedward are not idiots but are actually geniuses at what they're doing. All I can say is, fair play to them and keep up the 'good' work.
Signed: J
I watched my reflection in the broken mirror slicking my hair back with blood to make a Jedward quiff. I then grabbed a shard of mirror and jabbed it straight into my arm and began to carve the word Jedward into my blood and sick smattered flesh. I slashed my face a bit too but even that wasn't enough. Unlike other suicide attempts I didn't need to down a bottle of vodka because the pain was just so raw I was able to slash both wrists fully conscious. My vision began to blur as I watched the blood gushing out and merging with the sink full of puke and broken glass. As I passed into unconsciousness I saw hell, it was like a Danni Minogue video and the dancers were Hitler, Chairman Mao and Timothy McVeigh. At the centre there was an upside down crucifix covered in shit and wasps waiting for Minogue herself. Then I began to head towards a bright light as I floated towards it I saw memories of all the previous Jedward performances, The time they sang 'she bangs', Diva week when they sang 'opps I did it again' and the Halloween performance of 'we will rock you'.
When I got to heaven Michael was waiting at the gates for me, standing next to him was no other then Madeline McCann . 'We've been waiting for you' giggled Michael Jackson as he grabbed my hand and as we skipped through the pearly gates we were swarmed by famous dead children: Damilola, Jamie Bulger, Holly and Jessica they were all there even baby P crawling around on a cloud. Then at last Michael pointed to a huge stage were I saw my muse Jedward standing alongside other cute dead guys all dressed in PVC catsuists: River Phoenix, Jeffrey Dhamer and the young Leonardo Di Caprio. Freddie Mercury was on Piano and Jimmy Hendrix was on guitar, John Lenon was on bass and Boadicea was on the drums.
'Are Jedward going to do a performance?' I asked Michael
'No silly, they're just backing dancers'
'Wow, are you going to do a performance?' I said looking at Michael's gleeful face.
'No silly, now get up there' he laughed then added 'Don't be bad'
So with disbelief I mounted the stage, in tears of joy I stood in front of Jedward ready to perform my lastest rap release as Sarah Payne and John Wayne Gacey screamed from the crowd below for me to begin.
Then I suddenly felt a huge electric jolt through my chest and awoke in a grimy hospital ward to the dirty stench of insanity. My tongue had been clamped and my arms and legs bound to the bed. I could see a huge gaping wound on my wrist, which from the taste of blood in my mouth I must have been tearing at with my teeth. As a tall grissly nurse leared over me with two rusty electro pads I looked around the room and saw other male Jedward fans in their 20's all in the same state as me. Some with the twins names carved into their faces other with limbs simply hacked off, all with Jedward quiffs. At the moment I'm using the hospital computer, and you know it isn't that bad hear being surrounded by deranged bloodied Jedward lookalikes infacts its damn sexy. And I'm glad I'm not allowed outside, I hate the British public, why do they want to watch boring middle of the range singers drivviling out insincere trite when they could be watching Jedward. If they can't even vote property on a reality tv show how the hell do you expect them to vote in a general election
Ash Wednesday? Yeah, I lied. That's my favorite Christian holiday, but a much, much more important holiday is in our midst: The Eurovision Song Contest!!! Well, it's a holiday in my heart, at least. For those of you who don't know what Eurovision is, DON'T WORRY! Come May I will be talking about it incessantly, complete with excellent recaps of years past. Until then, I'm trying not to think about how awesome it's going to be because it's still a month and a half away, but I did slip up and Wikipedia this year's contest the other day. And what did I find out? Ireland's bid to the contest this year is Jedward.
Now if you don't live in Ireland or the UK, you might be thinking, "Why would Ireland be sending a Twilight-themed musical ensemble to Eurovision?" And indeed, that's what I thought when I first saw it. And then I remembered an encounter I had a few months ago, when my cousin J-A was last stateside and had brought some trashy magazine for us to enjoy:
A: Ooooooo I get a free Jedward poster with my magazine! Wait where's my free Jedward poster?
J-A: Oh I think I left it in Ireland. Do you lot have Jedward here?
A: No, who are they? Some sort of Twilight tribute band?
J-A: No, they're two brothers who sing.
A: Oh so they're like the Irish Jonas Brothers.
And that's where my knowledge of Jedward ended. Until the other day when I clicked that Wikipedia link, and discovered that the second sentence of their entry began, "The twins, known for their blonde quiffs," at which point I immediately stopped reading and went to google. If I had had that free poster of Jedward, I would have know that they were not, in fact, like the Irish Jonas Brothers, but rather like the bastard offspring of the Jonas Brothers and Vanilla Ice:
"But Alix," you say, "That's probably just for a photoshoot. I'm sure their hair doesn't look like that all the time." Oh, but it does. It really does:
This version may be styled differently, but it's still the same terrible hairdo.
They also apparently wear matching outfits all the time, bear a vague resemblance to one of my Irish cousins, and have excellent taste in shoes.
This picture suggests that they have terrible personalities in addition to terrible fashion sense. Apparently in their X-Factor audition, Simon Cowell said they were "not very good and incredibly annoying." Danni Minogue also said they were "Absolutely, the cockiest couple of singers I've ever come across." They sound appalling.
W. T. F. Who does their hair like that to go running?! Terrible personalities confirmed. I have mixed feelings about them; on the one hand, they seem appropriately awful for Eurovision, and on the other, like an embarrassment to my people. It also seems a bit desperate on Ireland's part considering their past few years of entries, which range everywhere from someone who already won nearly 20 years ago (just sad) and a puppet that featured on a TV show I watched at age 3. I guess the upshot of all of this is that, due to the rules of Eurovision, no one in Ireland will be able to bear the shame of voting for these jokers in May. I wish I could say the same for the UK.
And for your enjoyment/torture, here's a video of them singing a mashup of Vanilla Ice and Queen.
They are very annoying, but vaguely amusing, teenagers, who have always found it surprisingly difficult to hit a correct musical note... but why let that get in the way of success!
In case you're not aware, their name comes from combining the J from John, with Edward (their given names)... Thank goodness their parents didn't name them Peter and Rick.
I have a feeling that these boys will go far; probably in the realm of comedy related TV. Not in singing!!
 | |
| John & Edward Grimes |
The question is... are they actually as silly as they portray themselves to be for the media?
Here's what I think.
These guys are just two well educated boys from Dublin, taking every chance of stardom they can get and grasping the limelight whilst they do it. They don't care whether they get good or bad publicity because any publicity is publicity at the end of the day. These guys know that some people will dislike them and that some people will love to hate them. One thing's for sure they're really popular among young teens and kids because of their rebellious and hyper antics.
Initially I'll be honest, I hated these two but over time I've begun to realize that they're brilliant at playing the media for fools and making lots of money while their at it. People all around the world want to see and meet these guys. They've become a sort of national treasure.
With that I've come to the conclusion that Jedward are not idiots but are actually geniuses at what they're doing. All I can say is, fair play to them and keep up the 'good' work.
Signed: J