Nine: Review

I was so psyched when I heard the man who made Chicago was gonna make Nine, cause I loved Chicago and I love everything Broadway. But this movie was mediocre at best.
Okay so Nine is an adaptation of a Broadway musical about a filmmaker named Guido Contini and the story of his struggles to find harmony in his professional and personal lives, as he engages in dramatic relationships with his wife, his mistress, his muse, his agent, and his mother.
This is still a pretty decent film but I expected so much more coming out of Chicago where every single song was memorable and was executed brilliantly. I haven't seen Chicago in 2 years and I can still talk about the Cell Block Tango or the tap dance scene or the courthouse puppet scene as if I saw them yesterday. But in Nine, there's nothing for me to latch on to. There was no theatricality, there was no life, there was no purpose to the songs. And it makes it worse when most of the songs in Nine are barely memorable or catchy.
The only song that I loved was Be Italian which was sang by Fergie from The Black Eyed Peas. And she totally nailed that song. I wished they did more with her character cause she only came in for that song and then she completely disappears.
And another thing that really made Nine flop was because there wasn't any reasons for any of the songs to be happening. The big rule of adapting a stage musical to the screen is that they must find a way for the musical numbers to work and still serve a purpose in the movie. That is why Chicago worked, that is why Hairspray worked, that is why Glee works. There was barely any connection between the plot of the movie and the songs. Don't think you can make a good musical just by putting in lots of celebrities and sexy girls dancing.
And when I say sexy girls, I mean... lotso half naked hot young girls dressed in fishnets and bustiers doing flips and splits and belly dances. The sexiness in Nine was so hot that it almost made me feel uncomfortable watching it. It was like I was watching Showgirls more than a musical.
 And what can I say man, Daniel Day Lewis is fucking phenomenal in this film. This guy is like the Hayley's Comet of actors whereby he only does a movie once in a while but every time he does, he knocks it out of the park. Everything about him looked, felt and sounded 100% authentic Italian. He's majorly fantastic but it's too bad his character in the film is a fucking retard.
I had absolutely no compassion for Guido Contini at all. Matter of fact I really hated that bastard. Here we have this guy, who's rich and get's to bang the hottest women alive and all he does is break their hearts and mops about how he is the unluckiest guy i the world. It's almost as if Rob Marshall wanted me to pity this guy. Humph! Fuck you! You screwed Penelope Cruz and had the balls to dump her? Go to hell Contini!
 I wasn't too happy when Penelope Cruz won the Oscar last year for Vicky Christina Barcelona, but if she won an Oscar for her acting in Nine, I'd totally support that. She plays Guido's mistress who starts out just being in the relationship for the sex and glam but falls in love with him in the end. I felt heartbroken with her when that asshole actually chooses Marion Cotillard over her hot ass. She gives the third best performance in this movie.
And her musical number was amazing beyond words. I tell you, there's nothing better than watching Penelope Cruz dressed in a tight bustier and thong sliding down silk on her vagina. That was the most titillating 3 minutes of the entire movie and that's saying a lot since 99% of the film has half naked ladies in it.  And did I mention how great Judi Dench was in this movie? It is a known fact that she cannot sing and she's always more of an actor. But when it came to her musical number, Judi Dench totally mops the floor with it. And the best part was she barely even sang, all she did was say the lyrics in key like what Rex Harrison did in My Fair Lady. But she strutted up and down that stage like she was goddess of the universe. I wasn't even looking at the sexy dancers in the back, I was worshiping Judi Dench the whole way through.   Overall, good artistry, great performance by Daniel Day Lewis, Penelope Cruz and Judi Dench, great art direction, really poor execution.

RATING: 5/10